the first year without my mom

On August 11, 2012 my mom died. On August 12, 2012 I found out that I was pregnant. The very first day of my life without having my mom, was also the very first day of my life that I learned I was going to be a mom. My body knew to stay calm and did not meltdown in complete sadness; there was a growing life inside me to care for now.

If you’ve been following this blog, then you know about the emotional struggle I dealt with throughout my pregnancy; what I called my emotional ying and yang. Many of my posts reflected on my feelings of loss for my mom during what was a very exciting time in my life. Thoughts of my mom interwind into my pregnancy journey every step of the way; which in some sense helped me feel closer to her – knowing that she must have gone through some of the same experiences when she was pregnant as I was then going through.

And then the day was finally here when Sadie was born. And the flood of emotions of not having my mom around came pouring in. I’ve spent the last 4 months {of the first year without my mom} experiencing milestones in my daughter’s life — her first smile, first giggle, first everything — all worthy of a phone call to my mom to share the news; a call that I will never be able to make.

I don’t think it’s fully hit me that Sadie will never meet her Grandma Jane. She will never know the woman who raised me, the one that I turned to for hugs, the single most influential person in shaping who I am today. All of the fun things that Sadie would have gotten to experience with her … hurts knowing that they will never have that time together.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I hugged my mom goodbye for the last time. 365 days without my mom; the same mom that I couldn’t bear to be away from for 2 weeks when I went to summer camp. Only now my calendar doesn’t have a smiley face on the date when I get to see her again.

The first year without my mom has come and gone, but the feeling of loss will never end. She will forever exist in my heart and in my mind; I will carry her with me forever.

celebrating my mom’s life (UPDATED VERSION) from stacy black on Vimeo.

If the video above doesn’t play, you can go to it by clicking this link:

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  1. This one made me teary. I thought about you and your mom this weekend and I know she is so proud to see you in your new roll as Momma to Sadie. xoxo

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